I truly believe that being a great communicator can change your world – and that includes the way you talk to yourself.
We all have the evil inner critic that is quick to be hard on ourselves. For some, it is louder than others. For me, it’s sometimes not even a voice, just a feeling that I can’t, or I shouldn’t, or I won’t be able to.
I come across negative self talk all the time from my clients. The radio presenter who thinks they will sound cheesy if they say something, the TV broadcaster who doesn’t think they can talk to their boss about the future because they won’t want to hear it, the business owner who doesn’t think they can stand on a stage and tell their story. Most of all, when you are putting yourself out there it is really easy to tell yourself that you aren’t good enough and that all you have to do is get through the presentation.
The result is exactly that – a mediocre, forgettable presentation.
Henry Ford once said “The man who thinks he can, and the man who thinks he can’t, is usually right”.
Here are the 3 tips I give to change the self-talk:
- “I love myself”
This is simple. In your quiet moments, get into the habit of repeating the words just say ‘I love myself, I love myself…” in my head. In Barry McDonagh’s book “The DARE Response” this is the advice he gives as the culmination of all the reading he has done. This is the one way that you can change your self-talk and the way you feel about yourself. (Read the book too – it’s excellent).
I have suggested this to friends and clients, some of them say that they don’t believe it, or that it sounds tinny and thin when they hear it.
It’s hard to convince yourself you are worthy of your own love when you have spent so much time bashing yourself. So just keep repeating it. The tinny and weak sounds become healthy and more real.
You can’t give what you haven’t got, and so when you believe in yourself it is easier to put yourself “out there” and speak.
2. Change Your Story (with help from Gratitude)
Our thoughts are the stories we have told ourselves about the experiences we have had, or are having. It’s hard to change an experience, but you can change your story. On top of that (if you are struggling with how to change that story), starting with gratitude is a great way to ground your thoughts so that you can make that change.
I do a lot of CrossFit and recently the sessions have included running. I am always a slow runner. In fact, whenever running comes up on the board I say to myself ‘ugh I am a terrible runner”. This week we had a session where we had to do 4, 800-metre runs (interspersed with 25 overhead squats!).
On the first run, my head said “ugh I am a terrible runner, why are you doing this, you’re never going to finish this session in the time” and I felt sluggish, rubbish and slow. I looked at the clock and decided there was no way that I would make the 25-minute time cap.
Halfway through the second run I had a word with myself: “yes you are a slow runner, but you are not a terrible runner – change this self-talk please”. So I changed it to say “I am grateful for my legs – I am so lucky I can run” and (because I was getting very tired!) I shortened it to “Can run, Good runner” every step!
After the 4th run, I made it over the line at 24 minutes and 59 seconds!
By changing my self-talk and committing to it – a hideous experience was made a lot better: I completed the session and in the time as well. It all started with gratitude.
- Take down the thoughts
In the book, The Artist’s Way, Julia Cameron gives some great advice around quelling the inner critic in our head.
Her technique is to write down the negative thought she calls it the “blurt” – eg “You are not good enough at that to do this”. And then turn it into a positive thought, an “affirmation”.
Even better you might want to take the negative thought, and try writing 5 affirmations against it.
It always strikes me that our inner critic can be so mean! You would never tell someone else the things that your inner critic says to you. So be kind to yourself, back yourself and defend yourself.
Everyone has the inner critic. Everyone.
Before every talk, workshop or session I do, my inner critic has told me that this is going to be awful and that everyone will know this already, that I am not telling them anything new so what’s the point? But I fight through it, I change the story and I defend myself against the thoughts. Mostly I say “I can do this” or “I love myself” and then, I get a thrill from reading the feedback forms at the end of the sessions.
There is no doubt that whenever anyone has to approach speaking in public the nerves set in. Countless articles and books have been written about the ways to beat the nerves, and how to create the perfect presentation. But I wanted to focus in on the “why”. “Why” is it so important to be good at public speaking today, more than ever before.
1)You Will Build Resilience and Grow In Confidence
The first time I was in a position of doing a talk that “really mattered” I was so nervous I couldn’t speak to anyone for days. I was afraid of forgetting my lines. I was afraid no one would think anything of what I had to say. I was afraid that I was going to be thought of as all sizzle and no sausage. I felt sick.
Then I did the talk.
It went really well. Like super well.
Nowadays the nerves still come whenever I talk, but I am more confident. I built some resilience to the nerves.
After attending one of my Speaker Courses, Clare saw me at an event and said to me “Kate, I went for a job interview after the course, and I decided to just be me, and be confident. On the first question I answered really assertively – and just said what I thought. I would never have done that before the course! I didn’t just get the job, I got offered a better job because of my answer to the first question”
If you can beat your fear of speaking in public – you can do anything.
2) You Will Be A Better Communicator In Day to Day Life
Great communication is a skill. It requires thought and practice. The thing is that we rarely think of it as a skill, and think of it as something we can all just “do”, and therefore we don’t apply any thought or practice. Especially when our key way to communicate today is via text or WhatsApp.
Speaking in public whether on stage, or podcast or on a youtube channel, will make you a better communicator in your day to day life, because you have to think about what you are saying and how your message is being received.
I helped a client start a podcast about 3 years ago. His podcast is on sport, his job is as a surveyor. He commented to me about a year in that he had noticed the impact of the podcast on his working life. He said “Having to form arguments and opinions on a weekly basis on the podcast means I am able to form stronger arguments at work. I am much less fearless about speaking up, and I am better at making a clear point”
3) You Will Become An Authority (and More Persuasive As A Result)
There are 2 things that make you successful:
- Be good at what you do
- Make sure people know about it
I have a friend who is a brilliant teacher. He covered a role while a colleague was on maternity leave for a year, did a brilliant job and then went for the role full time. In the interview, he assumed that they realised that he had done a good job, and so didn’t feel the need to tell stories or explain in detail what he had done.
He didn’t get the job.
When you stand up in public and tell people stories about what you do, and what you do well, you automatically become an authority on what you do.
When I did my talk to my industry I went from “person who could do a good job” to “person people knew did that job well”. In fact from that talk I found the confidence, and the authority, to launch a business to coach presenters.
The world is noisy. The world has its face in social media. The world is getting automated all the time. Being a good communicator is essential to you being able to achieve your goals – and getting good at public speaking is one of the ways that you can achieve this.
You can find out more details of my public speaking course “Speaker In 6” here.
Commercial Radio Presenters have always known the pressure of being allowed to talk, for only a certain time. Over the years it has been my job to get the most out of a presenter that has to talk for only 2 minutes. Or 30 seconds. Or 10 seconds. Or 3 seconds.
In that time it’s a radio presenter’s job to get you to listen for 15 minutes more (this is to do with how audience figures are collated). It’s not easy.
Now many presenters struggled, complaining that they couldn’t get the story in in-that time. I spent many hours and days explaining that in that short time they should be thinking “what CAN I do?” Rather than “What can’t I get done?” There is nothing like a time limit to make you self edit – but self-editing is hard.
Then one day a presenter who had been resistant, bounded up to me and with a real glint in his eye said: “Kate! I listened to my Friday show and I tell you what, this shorter link thing is amazing. When you hear my voice it’s like, boom!”
He clapped his hands together “Impact!”
Making every word count is not a new concept, Mark Twain said: “I’m sorry this letter is long, but I didn’t have the time to make it short”. And the Twitter age has had us working out how to edit our complex emotions down to 140/250 characters for some time now.
It’s still not easy. So here are some tips to self edit your content.
- Remove all mitigating language
Too many words get in the way of your message.
When you look at a painting the warmer colours (yellows, oranges, reds) attract the eye first. So if you want the eye drawn to a certain part of the canvas you paint some red in that spot. But if you paint the whole canvas red, it’s just red – and nothing else stands out.
Words are the same. Too many words, and too much detail is an ineffective way of getting someone to hear your point. You are saying everything and nothing.
The first thing to do is to get rid of any wasted words:
I was thinking that
Does that make sense?
Not only do they fill in space that needs to be cleared, but they also undermine your point.
- Rehearse and hear it back
Nothing beats rehearsal and listening back to spot where an edit is required.
Record yourself on your phone, and listen back. Film yourself on your phone, and watch it back. Even practising in front of another human gets you to hear yourself back.
Trust me – you will hear your edit immediately. I usually find myself yelling “oh shush will you” at myself. And then I just hammer out the words.
- Get to the point as quickly as you can
Helen Zaltzman-Austwick is the Queen Of Podcasters. I saw her speak at a live event a couple of years ago and she advised the audience of eager podcast makers: “Start as late in the story as possible”.
The biggest mistake people make is to over explain the set up and give too much context. The story doesn’t start with the set up, it starts with the problem. The set up literally gives your audience the reason to keep listening to you.
It’s the same with any point you wish to make. Never make your boss wait 45 minutes before you deliver the point of your presentation. Get into your point as soon as you can.
Use these three tips to be heard, and create an impact in these noisy times.
The One Thing You Can Do To Stick In People’s Minds
In the last blog, I bust some myths around networking – the theme being that you don’t need to make it about you, and in fact, you should make it all about the person you are speaking to.
In fact, there is ONE thing you can do that means you can make sure people know how you can help them.
The most classic question you will get at a networking event or in any new meeting is: “what do you do?”
Most people answer with their job title. “I am an account manager”, “I am a coach”, “I am a sales rep”, “I’m an artist”, “I’m a Managing Director”…
You might know what that means. The person you are speaking to has no idea what that means, or how it impacts them.
Start telling people what it is you do and the impact you have.
In the last blog, it was clear that impactful networking means you are getting people to understand how what you do can help them.
Not only do you have to listen to them, but you also need to be clear about what it is you do.
So you need to have what I call an “Action Impact Liner”.
To do that you need to explain what you do, what is your action:
I help people manage their money…
I run a company that creates handwritten letters on mass…
I teach kids at primary school…
I sell artworks…
And then explain the impact it has:
So that they can rest easy when they get to bed at night
So that you can guarantee to get someone’s attention with a personal touch.
So that the future is a better place.
So that people feel good about their house.
“I help people get confident and comfortable speaking in public so that when someone sees you speak they think “I want to work with you”:”
What is your “Action Impact Liner”?
You can still give your job title “I’m a Presenter Coach – I help people….etc…”
Try writing your Action “Impact Liner” below
I help / make / create / run * insert verb _____________________________
So that _______________________________________________________________________
When people know what you do, and how you are passionate about helping people, they will then know to call on you when the issue you can help with arises.
For a lot of people, the word “networking” is an evil word. That feeling of meeting people and selling yourself sounds hideous. Haunted by negative self-talk like “they aren’t going to want to hear about me”, or “it’s all so fake”, or “I’m just not smart enough”, many run for the door as soon as networking is mentioned.
The reality is, that nowadays, there is no job in the world, that doesn’t require you to sell your business. Building relationships is vital to any career, or business because people work with people they know, like and trust.
Networking doesn’t have to be an uncomfortable experience and the whole concept of building relationships is shrouded with myths.
Let’s bust through a few:
Myth 1: Networking is only done at events and meetings
When you say “networking” to someone the immediate picture is standing in a group of people at an event awkwardly trying to work out when to introduce yourself.
Yes, networking events are important, but you can “network” in your own way, space and time as well. You can arrange to meet people for coffee. You can meet people through Linkedin. And in fact you are networking all the time. The people that you work with right now, will possibly be your boss one day, or they’ll go to a great new job and may recommend you.
One thing that helps is understanding what type of communicator you are as you can then play to your strengths. Take this iMA Strategies quiz to discover how you can be better at networking: http://katecocker-ima.com
Myth 2: Networking only counts if you are meeting new people
When I started both my Presenter Coach Business and Kate Cocker Studio (where I sold my artwork and paintings) I realised that actually where the connections start, are with the people you know. Friends would be the first to buy my paintings, and I still get Presenter Coach work through people I play netball with.
Start with who you know, make a list. Then see who they know. And make sure your friends and family, know what it is you actually do so that they can employ you or recommend you.
Myth 3: Networking means talking about myself or the business constantly, and I am not good at that
This is the greatest pressure people put on themselves when they think about networking. But you can take the pressure off right now as here is the secret to being a good networker:
All you have to do is listen.
Think about the people you know that you consider to be good listeners. Do you dislike them? No. Do you respect them? Yes. Do you trust them? Yes.
Listening is key to building relationships and business development. Finding out what are the challenges for their business, gives you the opportunity to help them. You can’t help without listening, being interested and asking questions about the things they are talking about.
Take the light off you, and make sure you shine the light on them.
Sometimes we can build up myths that protect us. Our assumptions protect us from taking risks, feeling uncomfortable and bursting out the comfort zone. Sometimes we don’t have to jump in 2 footed and terrify ourselves, sometimes we can stretch our comfort zone and slowly build confidence that we know what we are doing.
So network to your strengths, start with who you already know, and listen so that you can work out how what you do can help the person you are talking to.
There is one more element to networking that will help you get that new gig, or client. I will reveal all in my next blog.
“I have some silly questions,” I said to the group of people sat in front of me, they are all senior to me and when I think about being here I grin inside that I am worthy to be at this table.
I asked the questions – all of them brought important debate, and got us to think about issues we’d not discussed before now.
There was silly about those questions. Even so, I finish by saying: “And that’s all the silly questions thank you”…
The people around the table replied “nooo they were really good questions”
I left that meeting kicking myself – I deserve to be in that room so why did I let my “pinch myself I can’t believe it” feeling get the better of me?
Why am I apologising for myself?
Self-deprecation is a great tool to win people over, knowing your flaws and exploiting them allows people to feel good about theirs in your presence. There’s a difference between this and apologising for yourself.
In presenting apology appears in the way you introduce something “I hope you don’t mind but I wanted to share this with you” or “can I ask some silly questions?” (*facepalm*)
Or in the way you move on from something: post-punchline you say “anywaaayyy”
Or in the little giggle, you let out when you say something slightly wrong.
All of these are ways we end up undermining yourself. And when pitching or presenting you have to own the room, own your content and fulfil your assumed role as someone in authority.
How to stop undermining yourself
1). Be confident in your content
Confidence in your content is vital. Rehearse it more than you need to. Make the stories your own. Do what it takes to make sure you are comfortable with what you are talking about.
Remember if you don’t know everything, or the answer to a question from the audience, that’s not something that you need to apologise for, nor is it something that undermines you. Your confidence sings through all of that. To confidently say “I don’t know but I will find out for you” hold more integrity than trying to to answer and bumble your way through it finishing on an “anywayyyyy”.
Mr C has a rule that if he is not 100% confident in his content before he goes on air, he scraps it. The audience will never know what they have missed.
2). Practice getting rid of your vocal tick, eg; um, ah or giggle
When I work with many of my clients an um or a giggle is usually a symptom of a lack of clarity and confidence in their content (see point 1). Often the presenter says “well I wasn’t exactly sure what I was saying”.
If it still bothers you, you can use this technique, Click here. Just replace the word erm with whatever it is that you are doing.
3). Let your content breathe – and just don’t apologise
One of the reasons lines like “I hope you don’t mind me doing this…” or “Please indulge me…” are useful is because sometimes it’s hard to know how to go into your content.
For example, if you are about to read a poem, it’s easy to say “I hope you don’t mind but I wanted to read this as I felt it summed up the moment…”
But if you just drop the “I hope you don’t mind…” and presented it like “I found this poem and thought it summed up the moment…” and then read it, it’s much more powerful.
Just delete the apologetic language, and go with it. Same goes if you think your joke hasn’t landed. An ‘anywaaayyy’ draws the wrong kind of attention to it. Either just move on, or make a joke out of the awkward.
4). Say thank you
This is my latest ruse. I use it in email more than when speaking. I often find myself apologising for myself for being a few minutes late, or not replying to an email quickly. Often with some perspective, it’s not as bad as my apology can make it sound. Plus I often say sorry for it, and then I am late again the next time. I either have to be on time or I have to stop apologising for myself.
So I now say “Thank you for bearing with me…” or “Thank you for hanging on I really appreciate it…” My sentiment is the same, but I don’t hear myself saying “sorry” all the time.
Of course, when you mess up, apologise. If I have kept my time-starved mate waiting I am apologetic (and say thank you!). Or if you say something wrong then say sorry for it. But you preserve the power of those “sorrys” by stepping up and confidently presenting in the first place. Save your “sorry” for when you really need it.