The One Way To Stop Comparing Yourself To Others

The One Way To Stop Comparing Yourself To Others

To stand on stage and perform feels vulnerable, so when you are on a line up with other speakers, that’s when the comparison voice kicks in.

 

I’m sat watching the guy who is speaking before me. He is really funny. Like really funny. I’m not that funny. And he has no notes – how is he doing all this without notes?

 

Then the next lady steps on the stage and she is covering really similar stuff to me, so obviously my brain starts up: “they are going to find out that you aren’t as clever as you make out”. And again “oh she is putting this message together much better than you do”…

 

And then your brain hits you with this doozy: “Are you sure you’re good enough?”

 

Brene Brown says that “Comparison is the killer of creativity and joy”.

 

And as I sat there trying to stop myself from going into a flat spin, I started to deploy the methods I use that remind me of the only thing that can stop you from killing your creativity and joy…

 

Remember that You are You.

 

I get all my clients to establish who they are before doing anything else. Understanding what you bring to the table, where your strengths lie, and what you are trying to achieve, eradicates comparison. All that matters is that you are attempting to be the best you can be, in line with your own values. Grasp this, and then suddenly you won’t be worrying about what others do.

 

Presenter Chris Evans said on his first Virgin Radio show in January “If anyone is any good then there is room for everyone”. He was replying to those who were curious about any competition between him and his old Radio 2 show. He’s right.

 

I also used to get really worried that I wasn’t as good as other people doing what I do. That was until I started to realise that there wasn’t one or two people that I was in competition with… there are thousands of people doing it, all over the world. All I can do is do the best I can to help the people I want to help.

 

Of course, competition is useful, It spurs us on and helps us to be better, and competition is fuelled by comparison. So, be clear on who you are, what you want people to remember, and focus on that. You can wave goodbye to comparisonitis.

 

Facing Rejection: You Are A Twix, And They Wanted A Mars Bar.

Facing Rejection: You Are A Twix, And They Wanted A Mars Bar.

Rejection is a yukky thing.

 

This week as Global Radio in the UK consolidated their local breakfast and drive shows. Industry press juggernaut Radio Today estimates that 250 presenters could be affected by the changes in the UK. And it’s all kicking in, in a month’s time. There are households across the country now wondering “what now?”.  

 

As a radio presenter, your career is built on rejection: The number of demos and conversations that lead to nothing. The number of times a new boss comes in and you have to hold tight to find out if you still have a job. The time the station decides to refresh the lineup and you get offered a weekend show from your daily one. The time another radio group buys your station. Or as we have seen this week: The time Ofcom rules change and the “business” end of things get in the way of your dreams.

 

The difficulties are that it all gets played out in public and when your product is “you”, it’s very difficult to not take it personally.

 

I’ve been through redundancy twice, and left my role as Content Controller at Key 103 because of a “restructure”. I’ve also had to let people go: there’s a BBC National presenter who was on the receiving end of me “not renewing their contract” at a local commercial station some years ago, who I am sure (quite rightly) is and will be dining out on it for years to come. Mr C lost his beloved Xfm Manchester Breakfast show, when Radio X (another Global Station) was launched and it was announced that Chris Moyles was going to be networked from London.

 

Long story short the outcomes were – Tim got his gig on Virgin Radio and BT Sport and launched Hive Content. I launched The Presenter Coach which has gone from strength to strength. And the presenter I let go: well you see it say “BBC National Presenter” right?

 

Most stories of losing jobs, end with the protagonist saying “it was probably one of the best things that happened to me”. The thing is, in the moment, no matter how well you are compensated, you can’t help but feel utterly rejected when your boss tells you that you are no longer needed in your current role.

 

Here are a few of things that got me and Mr C through it the last time (and will get us through it next time):

 

  1. Permission to Grieve

When you are in the eye of the storm of rejection – it’s not a calm, reflective experience. It’s clunky, difficult and sad. It’s really sad. So allow yourself space to grieve.

 

The reality is that you are experiencing loss. Rejection in this way isn’t just about feeling unwanted – you will have lost a part of your life you love, and even base your identity on. It’s not easy. I found that once I recognised what I was experiencing was grief, it was a lot easier to cut myself some slack.

 

It’s easy to put pressure on dusting yourself off and picking yourself back up and to “man up”, but the best use of your time is going along with your emotions as they come and allow them to become part of you.

        2. Do Not Get Confused Between MERIT and TASTE*  

You were and are good enough to be there in the first place (this is merit), but the new boss wants their station product to sound like a Twix and you are a glorious Mars Bar (this is taste). Or the new boss wants to run a more streamlined business (I’m going to call this taste too!).

 

“You” are the presenting product, and that means that sometimes your product isn’t right for the station product. It feels personal, but the decision is very rarely personal. (It’s worth remembering this when you are the one delivering the news too.)

Trust you will find your new product “fit”.

     

       3. Put Your Audience First

When your audience finds out you are leaving, be gracious. Remember without them you are just a person talking in a box on your own. A beloved mentor of mine said to me, at the time I was leaving: “if you are comfortable with it, others will be comfortable too”. The minute you become snarky or awkward, your audience will begin to doubt your intentions and feel discomfort. Remember you need them with you, in whatever you do next.

    4. “Don’t Make Any Decisions For 10 Weeks”

I have to credit the same mentor with this one and it was excellent advice.

 

Tim and I held off making any decisions and allowed ourselves time to think (we lost our gigs at the same time). I explored options, tried things out and allowed the thing I wanted the most to rise to the top. Before setting up The Presenter Coach, I thought I was ready to go down a different path. But by holding off for the 10 weeks it allowed me to set my mind and get what I really wanted.

 

It also meant that Tim and I had time to redecorate the kitchen! Ha!

     

  5. The Rejectee Becomes The Rejector…

Post-rejection is the perfect time for reflection, but you are likely to be vulnerable to making decisions out of financial or spiritual necessity, rather than personal choice.

 

Sort out your finances and make it so that they will last you as long as possible without work. Establish what time you have* – how many hours a day are spent on sleeping, eating, exercising, netflix. Set some goals and commitments. Think about your habits. Read, learn, eat well, exercise, sleep, find joy.

 

Do whatever you need to do to be in a position to choose when an opportunity comes your way. Feeling like you can say “nope” to the ideas and jobs that aren’t quite right is important in choosing the “right” thing for you next.

 

Of course, when 250 presenters lose their seat at the ever-shrinking radio presenter table it starts to look bleak. My observation is that now more than ever, the presenters that will be secure are the ones with the “portfolio” career: write the book, make the podcast, own the production company, do the voiceovers, set up a kids club, run an events company – all the while presenting too. And when it comes to changing careers and sectors all together; Lisa Kerr did a talk at Next Radio a few years ago about the invaluable transferable skills you get from radio.

 

In the same week the radio industry felt a sack full of rejection, I went to PechaKucha Manchester – a spoken word night with 10 speakers, each talk is 20 slides and they have 20 seconds per slide. This week’s theme: “Rejection”. (Anywhere you see an * in this blog is credit to this night). From those 10 talks I was reminded:

 

Rejection is a yukky thing but…

  • it helps you focus on you
  • it sets you on the right path
  • it helps you reassess and rebuild
  • it should be felt in everything you do, because then you know you’re doing it right.
The Alternative Guide To Networking

The Alternative Guide To Networking

“I love networking”…  said no one ever!

 

The word is enough to send shudders through many people I meet.

 

Whether you like it or not, networking is key to building the relationships that will propel your career.

 

No one will work with you without some level of familiarity and trust, and that can only be achieved through meeting with someone face to face.

 

The biggest things I hear are that; networking feels forced, people never know what to say, and they find the whole thing uncomfortable.

 

On the other hand I quite like networking, I always have, but I didn’t know what I was doing was networking when I started talking to people – because that’s all it is. This list will help you to shift your mindset around networking.

 

  1. Networking Events Are Brilliant

So I need to caveat that even though I like speaking to people, I still struggle with networking events. I am still nervous before making contact. I still hate that uncomfortable moment of approaching someone and saying hello.

 

The reason I think they are brilliant is that those moments are SUPPOSED to be uncomfortable and “awks” but at an event titled “Networking Event” then the whole thing is expected. In fact, by approaching someone at a networking event where you are expected to talk to someone, you are more than likely to be met with the pure relief that they didn’t have to do it. You saved them from the initial awkward moment.

 

So networking events are brilliant because you’re supposed to be having the awkward moment and everyone feels the same. The “awks” moment is forgiven and the chat begins!

      

2. Small Talk Is ACE (Secret: It’s All About The Follow Up Question)

If we continue on the theme of “it’s supposed to be awkward”. And that everyone accepts that small talk is a step to a deeper chat. Then small talk is ace. It leads into the next thing.

 

The small talk question: “What do you do?” Or “what’s keeping you busy at the moment?”. Or “how was your day?”. Is a vehicle into the follow-up question – which is when the conversation actually begins:

 

You: How was your day?

Them: It was good

You: What was good about it? / What was the best thing that happened?

Conversation begins

 

You: What do you do?

Them: I am a barrister

You: Oh whereabouts? / What does that entail?

Conversation begins

 

You: So what’s keeping you busy at the moment?

Them: Actually my kids are a real focus at the moment

You: Oh how many do you have?

Conversation begins

     3. Newsflash: You Don’t Have To Go To An Event

There is an assumption that to network you have to go to events, meet new people or people above you in your career status. Well yes, this is a good assumption. But. In my career, the opportunities have come from those people I have been working with over the years. My peers, my colleagues and my friends.

 

You are actually networking all the time.

 

I network in many ways. I have got work from joining a netball team. I will often ask people to go for a coffee just me and them. I will meet someone through a client and that will lead to more work. One of the benefits of my podcast is that I get to meet more people. I met one client after she replied to an Instagram post, and I followed it up while I was on a beach in Greece.

 

Networking can take on the form you choose – which means you are in control of how it happens and you can do it on your terms. The key outcome of networking is to create trusting connections, that form business relationships. Not every conversation will end there, you don’t know the outcome of the conversations. But. You do know the outcome if you avoid meeting people.

 

Know Your Tribe

Know Your Tribe

I have a confession to make. It wasn’t until I started presenting my own daily podcast that I realised how powerful the connection with your audience can be.

 

I mean I knew the power of connection.

 

Of course, I’ve loved all the audiences I have ever broadcast or spoken to. As a producer at BBC Radio 6 Music the connection with the audience was particularly strong: so strong that people would do almost anything for us – they’d tell us personal stories, they’d recommend tracks to us and they weren’t afraid to let us know when we got it wrong too.

 

We got them. They got us.

 

But. That wasn’t me speaking to an audience, that was me powering a presenter to speak to their audience.

 

Everyday Positivity has taught me what it is to feel close to a tribe. These are my people. Not only do I believe that they listen to what I am saying – I would do anything for them too. And that is really special.

 

That unique connection is gold for any content creator. It’s what powers word of mouth growth. And it’s what the great broadcasters hold above all others.

 

When it comes to engaging an audience & hitting that sweet spot of being “in sync” with them, most people will tell you to be relevant to them, but how do you do that? How do you create that special something that leads to growth?

 

  1. Make It About Them

The analogy I use is that when you are worrying about what to say (this is the same in sales too) then the light is shining on you. Actually, when you are speaking to an audience you need to make sure you are shining the light on them.

 

What are you giving them? What are they getting from you that’s of use? What do they need from you? How are you serving them? How are you putting them in the middle of your content?

 

When I am doing the Everyday Positivity recordings I really believe I am speaking to that person in front of me like they are there. My thoughts are with the people I speak to on the facebook group. Equally, when I get on stage, I believe that the audience are mates that I want to excite.

 

You can hear this in the tone and the language of great presenters. They surprise and delight you, and it’s almost like they are in your head when they speak to you like you are with them.

       

       2. Be Vulnerable

While performance is really important when communicating with a mass of people, having the courage to be vulnerable is vital to allowing your human to be seen.

 

Let me talk to you about vulnerability for a second though. There is a difference between vulnerability and oversharing. I am guilty of being an oversharer. Oversharing can be useful: it’s funny, it’s shocking and it creates a reaction. But oversharing is also a tactic to deflect people from seeing the real me. I suspect you will know what I mean when you think about your own oversharing tactics! Or indeed you will know when you have spotted it.

 

Oversharing needs to be used wisely.

 

Real vulnerability feels different. It doesn’t happen all the time, and I know when I am being vulnerable because it feels really uncomfortable! I worry that I will offend someone or that someone will laugh at me. I question it, over and over. In some cases I am terrified.

 

But, without fail, those are the times I get the best and biggest responses from the Everyday Positivity audience.

 

The more you expose the vulnerable parts of yourself, the more you attract “your people”, the more you build their trust, and that will grow your audience.

       3. Live Their Life  

There is no doubt that if you are living the life of your audience you can speak to them in a way that is connected. That’s why some of the best broadcasters and presenters will just tell you that they are just being themselves and that they aren’t really thinking about the audience, and it works!  

 

But there will be times that you are speaking to an audience that isn’t “just like you”.

 

This means you need to put in the work.

 

One thing that comes up in radio a lot, is there are presenters on local radio stations, that don’t actually live in the area. It works to get those presenters to visit somewhere in the broadcast area every week at least (if not more). Sitting in different places for an hour a week and purely observing life can transform the presenter’s perspective of the area.

 

Do you “know the audience’s patch”? Do you go to the places they go? Do you read what they read? Do you watch what they watch? Do you understand their challenges? Do you care about what they care about?

 

Get into their world as much and as often as you can.

       

       4. Be Useful To Them

This is an extension of making it about the audience. If you can help them with their life, then you have created a true impact.

 

Teach them something, inform them of something, share something useful with them.

 

In radio, I like the phrase we use: “social ammunition” – meaning the job of a presenter is to give the audience useful nuggets to talk about with their friends and colleagues during the day. News, entertainment, music, sport. All of these elements can give something to talk about that day.

 

In all engaging content creation, useful content is incredibly powerful. Depending on your tribe, it might be that you give tips on how to deal with imposter syndrome? Or how to lay a floor? Or just unboxing a new toy?! All of these things to the respective audiences are useful, it helps them in their day to day life, it gives them their social status, and that means you have created a real lasting impact with them.

        5. Use Them

It’s definitely a 2-way street. Your aim is to build your “Know, Like, Trust” factor with your audience. You can’t expect them to trust you if you don’t trust them.

 

These days you have the ability to speak to the audience “off air”. The Everyday Positivity facebook group is a place where the listeners share stories and advice that I ask them for. To progress this I will be asking what they like, what they want to hear, and what they would like to be involved in.

 

Equally, if they feedback through the reviews that they don’t like something I use it. It guides me to be self-aware, and vulnerable. I have used it to improve my work. I have used it to understand my tribe more. I have used it as pure content.

 

Do not be afraid to ask your audience about what they do and what they want. You will be surprised what grows from it.

 

Ultimately your aim should be to impact one person, to change one person’s life. Because if you impact them then they will tell their friends, who will tell their friends, who will tell their friends…

 

 

 

Keeping It Up

Keeping It Up

“Be bigger with your arms” I said as my client was trying out her performance.

She moved her hands up with her elbows almost stuck to her sides.

“No bigger” hoping that she would open up her arms wide

She moved her hands out to the side and kept her elbows glued to her sides.

“Ha! Bigger than that – hold your arms to the side”

 

She started laughing, feeling the vulnerability, but she raised her arms and spoke her line and that was when she became the leader she should be.

 

Whether you are on stage, on screen or on air – the performance space shrinks you.

 

I always tell my clients that in the performance space you need to be vintage you plus 10% or more if you’ve got it.

 

That means you need to be a tiny bit bigger, louder, more vibrant than you are on a Friday night.  And keeping that energy up throughout your performance is tough.

 

As a presenter you are like the ringmaster – your energy can change the room, and people always remember how you make them feel.

 

Here are my 5 tips to keeping up your energy:

 

  1. Use Your Body

Just like your brain can send messages to your body, your body can do the same to your brain, and most importantly your mouth!

 

I was working with a presenter who, when I said “what can you do to build your energy here?” said “well I could stand up…”.

 

Sit forward or stand up – your body will tell your brain to be more urgent and active, and in turn, you will have greater charisma and energy. Even if you are on the radio, be expressive with your arms and your face as this will increase your “follow the leader” vibe (eg your audience will want to come with you).

 

It might be that before you start speaking you do your Wonder Woman Pose, or get big, or even get your heart rate up by jumping up and down. You’ll be surprised how your vocal tone follows.

            2.Use Your Voice

Your voice will give your energy away. I used to hear Mr C on the radio in the early days and I could hear when he was tired!

 

I think we can agree that low and monotonous vocal tone sounds very boring and will lose your audience. When you are tired your mouth also stops pronouncing your words – as if your lips get lazy!

 

Asking presenters to put more energy into their work means they can stumble on the following trip-ups. The first is talking too fast. More energy means more energy – not to talk like a Duracell Bunny! So remember to stay well paced. The second is that you end up just shouting. And probably monotonously.

 

The best for vocal tone is to remember your voice has a lot of pitches or tones within it and you can use them all in your presentation. Initially try starting sentences with emphasis and high pitched and then working “down the stairs” as you finish the sentence.

          3. It Should Feel Corny

Whenever I ask presenters to be “grander” in their presentation, they find themselves feeling like they are using “obvious” language, and they feel really corny in their delivery.

 

I want you to consider 2 things.

 

Firstly – the obvious is there for a reason. Opening your best man’s speech with a well delivered “Ladies and Gentlemen” is a well trodden path for a reason: it works.

 

Secondly – getting comfortable with cliche is the first step to finding your own voice. Sometimes you have to open the door to the the cringe, to find what’s the other side. If you refuse to be cliche or a bit cringe from time to time, you are unlikely to find your own true voice. Treat it as part of the process.

               4. You Don’t Know There Till You Go There

Rehearsal is the space where you discover your style. Use rehearsal time to try new things, and the things you are afraid of.

 

If you are terrified of moving your arms from your waist then try rehearsing with your hands above your head. If you are feeling shy, rehearse your talk by acting out “being really confident”, you’ll be surprised what you find.

 

These are my favourite moments of any of my presentation courses – the moment where a client finds their power and their energy. It’s a truly amazing moment when they let out the giggle of vulnerability, and then go for it. It’s like they light up! This moment never happens in an unprepared performance. It only happens when you push through some of your worries in your rehearsal time.

               5. Prepare and Protect Your Energy

Performing can be tiring for some people. I know that when I am booked to do a talk, or when I am recording my podcast, not only do I ensure that I am eating and exercising well in the build up, I also make sure I book in some down time afterwards.

 

I learned this from one of the presenters I worked with at the BBC. I noticed they were deliberately booking in their rest time after any performance. They were one of the most consistent presenters I have worked with.

 

Another radio presenter I work with acknowledged that the quick drink after work on a Friday was affecting their Saturday performance and they were frustrated by that. They got sick of walking out of the studio feeling like they’d not been entirely on their game. They felt like they let their listener down

 

Your audience needs you on your A-Game. In fact they need for you to generate the energy they are lacking, through your energetic performance! Make caring for your energy levels a habit.

 

Engage Your Audience: The One Way To Get Them On Side.

Engage Your Audience: The One Way To Get Them On Side.

Ever had that feeling that your point is just not being heard?

 

Once a week Mr.C, the kids and I go for “Family Breakfast”. This week my son needed to do his maths homework while we were waiting for food to arrive. His head was in maths when my husband said: “Mate, we have got to sort out your handwriting”.

 

(For context – his teachers over the last year or so have said this is something he could do with working on)

 

The 11-year-old immediately went on the defensive and the usual bickering then ensued.

 

The outcome? Our son won’t be changing his handwriting any time soon. My husband is frustrated that yet again he’s not been heard. And in a few weeks time, the same thing will happen again. In short – no one benefits and nothing changes.

 

Getting someone to buy into your point is something we have to do every day, whether you are on air, on screen, on stage, in a meeting, or just trying to get the other half to empty the bins.

 

And this one technique never fails: start by acknowledging your audience’s reality.

 

You know yourself that no one is going to change your mind about anything if they start talking to you while your head is in something else. And if you’re anything like me, my head is constantly in something.

 

Acknowledging the reality of the person you’re talking to allows their brain to come to you before you start getting into what it is you want to ask of them.

 

At Home:

So if my husband had taken this tack:

 

“Is that your maths homework? How are you getting on with it?”

 

He would have engaged our son immediately. And after listening he may have been able to weave the conversation to something like:

 

“You know your teachers were talking about you improving your handwriting? Have you been working on it at all?”  

 

“It’s just I can’t help but notice that you’re still struggling to get it neat – is there anything we can do to help it get better?”

 

Yes, it takes a little longer, but it has great results.

 

In Work/Life:

I had a builder that wasn’t answering my calls once, we had discovered a leak as a result of some work he had done, and I needed it fixing. He wasn’t returning my calls, and then I left this message:

 

“Hi. I know you’re likely to be super busy and the last thing you want is this old work to come back to haunt you, so if you could give me a call we can get it off your plate and out your hair as soon as possible”

 

He called me before the end of the day.

 

In Presentations:

On stage you often see comedians start their sets by commenting on the location, whether that be the room itself or whether that be the town.

 

You can do the same in your presentation with something called a “Yes Set”. This is a simple technique that encourages the audience to agree with you too.

 

“I know you want to get home on time today”

Audience brain: “yes”

“And that you have seen a lot of people today”

Audience brain: “yes”

“So let me get straight to the point…”

Audience brain “yes”

 

On Air:

The challenge is that you can’t see what your audience is doing, so really you are guessing as to their reality at the moment they are listening!

 

Sometimes it’s safe to assume. Often acknowledging your listeners’ reality is in capturing the time of day and the sense of the day. Saying hello and letting them know where they are, also acknowledges that that is their reality (eg “this is station FM / the pod podcast”).

 

Taking the time to introduce a topic with the listener experience is a clear way to ensure you are acknowledging their reality.

 

Rather than saying “There is a survey this morning that says meat is bad for you, so we have an expert here to talk about the challenge of getting people to stop eating it”

 

You might say “Imagine you are happily tucking into your favorite food, for someone to tell you that it’s significantly worse for you – would that stop you from eating it?”