“I Love Myself” and other Self Talk Game Changers

“I Love Myself” and other Self Talk Game Changers

by | Jul 3, 2019 | Coaching, On Air, On Screen, Presenting, Public Speaking, Uncategorised

I truly believe that being a great communicator can change your world – and that includes the way you talk to yourself. 

 

We all have the evil inner critic that is quick to be hard on ourselves. For some, it is louder than others. For me, it’s sometimes not even a voice, just a feeling that I can’t, or I shouldn’t, or I won’t be able to. 

 

I come across negative self talk all the time from my clients. The radio presenter who thinks they will sound cheesy if they say something, the TV broadcaster who doesn’t think they can talk to their boss about the future because they won’t want to hear it, the business owner who doesn’t think they can stand on a stage and tell their story. Most of all, when you are putting yourself out there it is really easy to tell yourself that you aren’t good enough and that all you have to do is get through the presentation. 

 

The result is exactly that – a mediocre, forgettable presentation. 

 

Henry Ford once said “The man who thinks he can, and the man who thinks he can’t, is usually right”. 

 

Here are the 3 tips I give to change the self-talk: 

 

  1. “I love myself” 

This is simple. In your quiet moments, get into the habit of repeating the words just say ‘I love myself, I love myself…” in my head. In Barry McDonagh’s book “The DARE Response” this is the advice he gives as the culmination of all the reading he has done. This is the one way that you can change your self-talk and the way you feel about yourself. (Read the book too – it’s excellent). 

 

I have suggested this to friends and clients, some of them say that they don’t believe it, or that it sounds tinny and thin when they hear it. 

 

It’s hard to convince yourself you are worthy of your own love when you have spent so much time bashing yourself. So just keep repeating it. The tinny and weak sounds become healthy and more real. 

 

You can’t give what you haven’t got, and so when you believe in yourself it is easier to put yourself “out there” and speak. 

     2. Change Your Story (with help from Gratitude) 

Our thoughts are the stories we have told ourselves about the experiences we have had, or are having. It’s hard to change an experience, but you can change your story. On top of that (if you are struggling with how to change that story), starting with gratitude is a great way to ground your thoughts so that you can make that change. 

 

I do a lot of CrossFit and recently the sessions have included running. I am always a slow runner. In fact, whenever running comes up on the board I say to myself ‘ugh I am a terrible runner”. This week we had a session where we had to do 4, 800-metre runs (interspersed with 25 overhead squats!). 

 

On the first run, my head said “ugh I am a terrible runner, why are you doing this, you’re never going to finish this session in the time” and I felt sluggish, rubbish and slow. I looked at the clock and decided there was no way that I would make the 25-minute time cap. 

 

Halfway through the second run I had a word with myself: “yes you are a slow runner, but you are not a terrible runner – change this self-talk please”. So I changed it to say “I am grateful for my legs – I am so lucky I can run” and (because I was getting very tired!) I shortened it to “Can run, Good runner” every step! 

 

After the 4th run, I made it over the line at 24 minutes and 59 seconds!  

 

By changing my self-talk and committing to it – a hideous experience was made a lot better: I completed the session and in the time as well. It all started with gratitude. 

 

  1. Take down the thoughts 

In the book, The Artist’s Way, Julia Cameron gives some great advice around quelling the inner critic in our head. 

 

Her technique is to write down the negative thought she calls it the “blurt” – eg “You are not good enough at that to do this”. And then turn it into a positive thought, an “affirmation”. 

 

Even better you might want to take the negative thought, and try writing 5 affirmations against it. 

 

It always strikes me that our inner critic can be so mean! You would never tell someone else the things that your inner critic says to you. So be kind to yourself, back yourself and defend yourself. 

 

Everyone has the inner critic. Everyone. 

 

Before every talk, workshop or session I do, my inner critic has told me that this is going to be awful and that everyone will know this already, that I am not telling them anything new so what’s the point? But I fight through it, I change the story and I defend myself against the thoughts. Mostly I say “I can do this” or “I love myself” and then, I get a thrill from reading the feedback forms at the end of the sessions. 

 

Be You: Stop Saying Sorry

Be You: Stop Saying Sorry

by | Mar 19, 2019 | On Air, On Screen, On Stage, Presenting, Public Speaking, Uncategorised

“I have some silly questions,” I said to the group of people sat in front of me, they are all senior to me and when I think about being here I grin inside that I am worthy to be at this table.

 

I asked the questions – all of them brought important debate, and got us to think about issues we’d not discussed before now.

 

There was silly about those questions. Even so, I finish by saying: “And that’s all the silly questions thank you”…

 

The people around the table replied “nooo they were really good questions”

 

I left that meeting kicking myself – I deserve to be in that room so why did I let my “pinch myself I can’t believe it” feeling get the better of me?

 

Why am I apologising for myself?

 

Self-deprecation is a great tool to win people over, knowing your flaws and exploiting them allows people to feel good about theirs in your presence. There’s a difference between this and apologising for yourself.

 

In presenting apology appears in the way you introduce something “I hope you don’t mind but I wanted to share this with you” or “can I ask some silly questions?” (*facepalm*)

 

Or in the way you move on from something: post-punchline you say “anywaaayyy”

 

Or in the little giggle, you let out when you say something slightly wrong.

 

All of these are ways we end up undermining yourself. And when pitching or presenting you have to own the room, own your content and fulfil your assumed role as someone in authority.

 

 How to stop undermining yourself

       

       1). Be confident in your content

Confidence in your content is vital. Rehearse it more than you need to. Make the stories your own. Do what it takes to make sure you are comfortable with what you are talking about.

 

Remember if you don’t know everything, or the answer to a question from the audience, that’s not something that you need to apologise for, nor is it something that undermines you. Your confidence sings through all of that. To confidently say “I don’t know but I will find out for you” hold more integrity than trying to to answer and bumble your way through it finishing on an “anywayyyyy”.

 

Mr C has a rule that if he is not 100% confident in his content before he goes on air, he scraps it. The audience will never know what they have missed.

       2). Practice getting rid of your vocal tick, eg; um, ah or giggle

When I work with many of my clients an um or a giggle is usually a symptom of a lack of clarity and confidence in their content (see point 1). Often the presenter says “well I wasn’t exactly sure what I was saying”.

 

If it still bothers you, you can use this technique, Click here. Just replace the word erm with whatever it is that you are doing.

 

       3). Let your content breathe – and just don’t apologise

One of the reasons lines like “I hope you don’t mind me doing this…” or “Please indulge me…” are useful is because sometimes it’s hard to know how to go into your content.

 

For example, if you are about to read a poem, it’s easy to say “I hope you don’t mind but I wanted to read this as I felt it summed up the moment…”

 

But if you just drop the “I hope you don’t mind…” and presented it like “I found this poem and thought it summed up the moment…” and then read it, it’s much more powerful.

 

Just delete the apologetic language, and go with it. Same goes if you think your joke hasn’t landed. An ‘anywaaayyy’ draws the wrong kind of attention to it. Either just move on, or make a joke out of the awkward.

       4). Say thank you

This is my latest ruse. I use it in email more than when speaking. I often find myself apologising for myself for being a few minutes late, or not replying to an email quickly. Often with some perspective, it’s not as bad as my apology can make it sound. Plus I often say sorry for it, and then I am late again the next time. I either have to be on time or I have to stop apologising for myself.

 

So I now say “Thank you for bearing with me…” or “Thank you for hanging on I really appreciate it…” My sentiment is the same, but I don’t hear myself saying “sorry” all the time.

 

Of course, when you mess up, apologise. If I have kept my time-starved mate waiting I am apologetic (and say thank you!). Or if you say something wrong then say sorry for it. But you preserve the power of those “sorrys” by stepping up and confidently presenting in the first place. Save your “sorry” for when you really need it.